Tag Archives: baby loss

My Post For Baby Loss Awareness Week

Every year, thousands of people in the UK are affected by the death of a baby or experience pregnancy loss, in fact statistically 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage and 1 in 100 have 3 or more miscarriages in a row. I am one of the “1 in 4”. I have written about it a few times on my blog before, but I always like to write something fresh for baby loss awareness week as I really believe with so many women/men/couples talking about and sharing their stories we can help to break the silence and we can come together and help each other.

 

I had Oscar in 2010, my pregnancy with him was easy, my waters broke at 36 weeks and 5 days and after 48 hours he was born by emergency Caesarean section. We always knew we wanted to have two children and had always planned in our heads to roughly have a three year gap. In April 2012 we found out I was pregnant again, we were so excited and decided not to tell anyone until I was 12 weeks. We got to the scan date and took Oscar along with us so he could see too. I lay on the bed, the midwife was lovely chatting away and after a few seconds her face changed, she feel silent, I knew something was wrong. She went to get another doctor and then asked me to get myself up and took me into an office. They told us the baby had no heartbeat and I had had a missed miscarriage. Holding back the tears was so hard, I didn’t want to see dad in front of Oscar but inside I felt sick. After months of hell, with bleeding on and off I eventually had an ERPC.

 

I left it a couple of cycles and then we started trying again. We fell pregnant using a Clearblue fertility monitor and it worked the first month of trying. I got to 6 weeks and I was visiting my Nan when I started to bleed. I went to the early pregnant unit at Hillingdon Hospital and I was told I had twins, one without a heartbeat and one with. Obviously I was upset but a part of me thought at least one was ok. Two weeks later at a follow up scan I was told that I had miscarried both. I just couldn’t believe it! I naively thought this time it wouldn’t happen again. I booked in for an ERPC the next day so not to have all the problems I had last time. 

 

I went to see my GP afterwards who was lovely and told me all about the recurrent miscarriage clinic in London at St Mary’s Hospital. She referred me and I had about a four month wait. After a rough 18 months with all the problems it was nice to relax, stop trying for a baby and wait for our appointment. So in June 2013 I had various tests done and a hysteroscopy in the August to remove any adhesions or scar tissue from my caesarean. A blood test came back saying I had a clotting problem and I was told to go away and get pregnant, as soon as I had a positive test take 150mg of aspirin a day and contact the unit. They scanned me every couple of weeks up until 10 weeks and then passed me back over to Hillingdon. Greg and I excitedly went to the 12 week scan and again the doctors went silent. Back into the side office we went.

 

It was explained to us that our baby had a larger amount of fluid on the back of the neck than normal which is a cause for concern and is often an indication for Down’s syndrome. To be honest this didn’t phase me to much but I was told to go and have a amniotic fluid test. At 14 weeks I went to Queen Charlotte’s hospital for the procedure. It was terrible, in short they inserted a huge needle through my stomach into the amniotic sac to extract some fluid to get the baby’s chromosomes to see what the abnormality was. It was so painful and let me bruised for a few weeks. We were told the results would take around two weeks. They were the longest two weeks of my life. I held onto hope that it would all be fine and it was just a mistake.

 

The trouble is from the moment you get two blue lines on that pregnancy test, your already working out the due date, planning in your head for a baby that will never get it’s due date. That’s hard.

 

Christmas Eve 2013 I got the phone call that our baby had something called Ring 13, which is a rare chromosome disorder. In our case the baby had it severely with a lot of missing genes which meant he wouldn’t have lived very long. I went into see the specialist midwife at Hillingdon hospital who was amazing and she went through our options with us. Christmas was a blur, I made it as special for Oscar as possible but I was dying inside. Looking back on photos of Christmas that year, I look vacant and I hate those photos. New Years Eve was worse for me, in my brain I knew I had to go back to the hospital on the 2nd to start the process of delivering the baby and had almost boxed it off like that’s next year it’s fine. The New Year came, I took myself out of the room and sat sobbing on the stairs with my friend, it was awful. 

 

On the 2nd I had to take a tablet to stop the babies heartbeat as if I delivered him alive there would be nothing the midwives could do to save him and it would have been to distressing for us as I was only 18 weeks. I went home expecting to come back in the next day but that night around 8pm I started bleeding so we went back. I was taken into labour ward and felt so sorry for the midwife who started her shift expecting to deliver a healthy baby. I had to share a bathroom with a lady I could hear was having a baby which was so hard. I feel asleep and at 5am got up to go to the toilet, my waters broke and I delivered the baby. The midwives were amazing, he was put wrapped in a blanket and had a little hat and was put in a little wicker crib. They took photos for me and gave me a memory box. I was on autopilot I showed little emotion, I was exhausted and felt terrible for Greg. It wasn’t until a few hours later when I was ready to go home and it dawned on me that I was leaving my baby behind and had to walk out of the same door as everybody else who had their perfect babies in their car seats ready to go home. I felt sick. I broke down. 

 

When we got home my parents were looking after Oscar. I had to get myself together, as I didn’t want Oscar to know I was upset or that anything was wrong. Greg and I went to bed for a few hours as we were shattered and I put all my emotions in a little box in my head, walked downstairs and was Mummy to Oscar. 

 

We had genetic testing afterwards which came back clear. We were just bloody unlucky to have this happen after having the miscarriages before too. Hillingdon Hospital were amazing, honestly I couldn’t have paid for better care. They arranged the church service a week later that only Greg and I went too and the cremation as well. His ashes were than scattered at the Peter Pan children’s remembrance garden at a crematorium near us. 

 

A few months later I fell pregnant again, took my aspirin daily and I was so anxious. I had a specialist midwife on call and had scans from 7 weeks. Getting to 12 weeks and being told that everything was ok was a huge relief, I cried. We kept it a secret until 20 weeks as I didn’t want Oscar to know and then something go wrong. At this time he was 4 with much more understanding and always asked for a baby brother or sister. Up until now I felt I was failing him, the one thing most of his friends had and what he kept asking him and I couldn’t for sure know that we would give it to him. 

We flew past our 20 week scan. We told everyone, everyone was over the moon for us it was lovely. Every day I was anxious that something was going to go wrong and at my 20 week appointment I was given my elective caesarean date as I couldn’t bare to go back on the labour ward. We were told the 29th December 2014 although as the time got closer my anxiety mellowed a bit and I thought if I went into labour before that date I would try to have the baby naturally. We didn’t pick baby names as we didn’t want to jinx anything, until that baby was in our arms I wasn’t going to relax. Our little Archie came into the world on the elective section date and competed our family. 

 

 

I’m not going to lie it was a tough journey getting there but we are so grateful for the amazing care we received on the NHS. We are so grateful to have two beautiful healthy boys and it’s only brought us all closer together as a family.

There were moments where I felt so down but Oscar kept me going and occupied. I genuinely have no problems taking about it or sharing my story as if I can help one person then it’s all been worth sharing. 

 

Tommy’s charity is a great source of information and advice and if you need someone to talk to they are there. They have community groups and you can chat to other people going through the same experience so you can talk and not feel alone.

Let’s share our stories, support each other and make a difference. Let’s come together for change. #Miscourage 

 

My Personal Post For Baby Loss Awareness Week

I have only written a few posts around baby loss on my blog before and it is an issue that is so personal to me. I am writing something for baby loss awareness week to help raise awareness of the common but heartbreaking ordeal that is baby loss. In between having Oscar in 2010 and Archie in 2014 we lost four babies over three pregnancies, two of the pregnancies were between 6-12 weeks and the third pregnancy at 17 weeks. I was pregnant for a total of 40 weeks between Oscar and Archie.

In September 2011 we decided to start trying for another baby and then in April 2012 found out I was pregnant. I was instantly excited trying to work out a rough due date. Call me naive but the thought of miscarriage never once entered my head. We went to our twelve week scan and took Oscar with us so not to arouse suspicion with our parents. The sonographer started the scan and within seconds the mood changed. I had had a missed miscarriage and our baby had stopped growing around 6/7 weeks. She told me that I would miscarry naturally and then to try again after one cycle. I then had several months of problems and A&E admissions, one of which was very scary and the blood loss was awful I finally had an ERPC in the September, nearly four months after our initial scan where I was told the news. By the November I was pregnant again and never thought for one second that it would happen again and then went to an early pregnancy scan where I was told it was twins. I lost twin 1 in the December at 6 weeks and twin 2 in the January 2013 at 9 weeks. I chose to book in straight away for an ERPC so not to go through the same ordeal as the time before.

I went to see my GP afterwards and asked her a lot of questions of things I had researched on the internet and she was amazing and referred me to St Mary’s recurrent miscarriage clinic in Paddington. I waited 6 months for my appointment and they decided to give me a hysteroscopy to remove any scar tissue that could have been caused during the ERPC’s or my c-section with Oscar. I had a in depth blood test and they diagnosed me with ‘sticky blood’ and prescribed me 150mg of aspirin to take as soon as I fell pregnant again. I then fell pregnant again in September 2013 and we were over the moon as each week passed successfully with me taking the aspirin. I had also had scans at 7,9 and 11 weeks at St Mary’s and everything looked fine. We then went to our routine twelve week scan in the early part of December 2013 and we were told the nuchal fluid on the back of the baby’s neck was too high. They recommended I had a CVS (chronic villi sampling) at Queen Charlotte’s hospital and had to wait two weeks for the results. Those weeks dragged out and we had Christmas in between where I had to put a brave face on for Oscar. One thing I have always made sure of is that Oscar has never seen me sad or upset and wouldn’t have a clue if what was going on. He kept me strong, I don’t know how I would of been without him.

On getting the CVS results back we were told our baby was a boy and he had a rare chromosome problem called Ring 13 and was very poorly with a life expectancy of about six weeks. The specialist midwife at Hillingdon Hospital was amazing and talked us through everything and the options that we had. We made the most painful decision to end the pregnancy on Saturday 4th January 2014 I was induced and had our little boy at nearly 17 weeks pregnant. I was shocked at how big he was and how much he looked like a baby! The hospital were amazing, so kind and thoughtful and gave us photos and a memory box to take home. They arranged his service and cremation which was lovely and really went out of their way to make sure we were ok. My GP also rang me a couple of times to check and see if I was ok. After this I was tired, emotionally drained and sort of thought to myself how many times can I do this? I then had to have an ERPC afterwards as part of the placenta was left behind, left it a cycle then tried again….

March 2014 I was pregnant and started taking my 150mg of aspirin. The specialist midwife was on the end of the phone whenever I needed her and I was given a scan at 9 weeks and when we had our 12 week scan they said our baby looked fine. The relief I felt was immense but we decided to keep it a secret until 20 weeks. We went on holiday to Turkey where I took a doppler as I was so nervous and when we came home I had my 20 week scan which was perfect. We didn’t find out the sex as we didn’t care either way, we just wanted a healthy baby. We told our families and friends who were so pleased for us and of course told Oscar first who was so excited to be a big brother! I had extra scans every 6 weeks and chose to have an elective c-section after having an emergency one with Oscar. I had Archie in December 2014 and our little family was complete.

We had a really rough time but let me tell you some positives…. The NHS were amazing, I couldn’t have paid for better care. Everything happens for a reason and the almost 5 year age gap between the boys is lovely, Oscar is absolutely amazing with Archie. It makes you realise the obvious… baby’s are a miracle and you are so lucky to have a healthy one! We wouldn’t have any more children as I wouldn’t want to go through anything like that again. I wanted a sibling for Oscar and we have two beautiful, healthy little boys and through it all we have Archie to show for it, that makes us one of the lucky ones!

Baby loss shouldn’t be a taboo subject, it happens everyday to thousands of couples. Let’s break the taboo and talk about it, it has made me feel so much better chatting to friends and family about it. You can also talk to the Miscarriage Association for help, advice and support.

  
   

Laura xxx

Why Two Children Is Enough For Us

Something you may not know about me unless you read a few posts I wrote over the last two years is that in between having Oscar and Archie we lost three pregnancies. It is only now really that we have had Archie that I think I can openly write about it properly. Just before Oscar was two we decided that we wanted to try for another baby and after a few months of trying in April 2012 I fell pregnant. The first trimester flew passed and we decided to keep it a secret from everybody else. The day came for our 12 week scan and we decided to take Oscar with us so not to arise any suspicion and during the scan they told us that our baby had stopped growing at around 6 weeks and I had had a delayed miscarriage. The shock was immense and I was trying to control getting upset as obviosuly we had Oscar with us. When I got home we rung our parent’s to tell them what had happened and they were really supportive! Two days later naturally I started to miscarry and unfortunately had the most horrendous time, ending up in A & E a few times with excessive bleeding over the next 8 weeks until finally I was booked in for a ERPC to remove any tissue. It was my first time having a general anesthetic and I was a bit nervous but kept a brave face on as I was on a general day unit and didn’t want to make a fuss. After the op I felt positive and had read all the statistics and not for one second did I think it would happen to me again. How naive I was!

I then fell pregnant again pretty quickly in October 2012 and thought that I would never miscarry again and felt pretty positive and excited. Again we kept it a secret and after 5 weeks I had a bleed. I went into the early pregnancy clinic for a scan where they told us that it was twins but one had already stopped growing. Obviously I was gutted but a part of me thought ok I still have one which now I feel bad about. Two weeks later at 8 weeks I miscarried twin 2 and opted to have a ERPC straight away after going through hell last time. After this pregnancy I went to see my GP who told me about the recurrent miscarriage clinic in St Mary’s hospital in London, I was told you have to have 3 miscarriages to be referred but she spoke to clinic and as I lost 3 babies over 2 pregnancies they were happy to see me. The waiting list was 6 months long and my appointment was booked for May 2013. I didn’t mind waiting as it was quite nice to just relax and not constantly be worrying about falling pregnant. May soon fell round and I had blood tests and scans and eventually had a hysteroscopy to clear any scar tissue in my womb (the 3rd lot of general anesthetic in a year!) Also from my blood test results I was told I had a blood clotting disorder and was told to go away, get pregnant and then take 150mg of aspirin to thin my blood from the day I got a positive pregnancy test. This was August and I was pregnant by October 2013. I had scans up until 9 weeks at St Mary’s and everything looked great, the baby was growing so they discharged me and referred me back to Hillingdon for my 12 week scan. The aspirin had worked!

12 week scan day came around and Oscar was in nursery so we went on our own. To start with everything looked fine to us then there was silence and then another Doctor was called. We were finally taken into a side room and explained that our baby’s nuchal fluid was very high which normally indicates that there is something wrong with the baby’s chromosomes. I was advised to have a CVS test done where they insert a thin needle through your tummy into the sac and take a sample of the fluid around your baby. There was a risk of miscarriage with the CVS but I wanted to know exactly what was going on. We had to wait a week for the results which went so slowly and we had Christmas day in between then too. By now our families knew what was going on which made it a bit easier. On the 27th December we went to the hospital to see the specialist midwife who explained to us that our baby had something called Ring 13 and as there was such a massive chunk of the chromosome missing the baby most likely would have a 6 week life expectancy. Up until then to be honest I still believed everything would be fine so it hit me quite hard. Between us we made the decision that at 17 weeks we would end the pregnancy as I didn’t want our baby to be born and be really poorly to live for such a short period of time and also to have to start explaining everything to Oscar which at 3 years old he was to young in my opinion! On the 2nd January I went into hospital and was given a tablet and was then booked in on the 4th to come to delivery suite. That night I naturally went into labour and our good friend Steve came and sat with Oscar all night until my Mum and Dad came at 7am the next morning. We went onto delivery suite which was a strange experience, the last time I was there was to have Oscar and here I was knowing I was in labour but with nothing to take home at the end of it. The midwives were amazing and I can’t thank them enough, they gave me a memory box and some photos which made the World of difference. At 5.10am on the 3rd January 2014 I had a baby boy who looked just like a miniature baby and I wasn’t expecting that at all. The whole time I didn’t show a shed of emotion, In my head I was there to do a job and I just wanted to get home to Oscar. When we got ready to go home at about 8am it was then when I was about to leave the room and leave our baby behind that it hit me and I broke down. I was exhausted and I wanted my bed! We got home and thing’s were better when we had to be normal for Oscar and we went to bed for a few hours. I felt so much better after a few hours sleep.

Greg and I had full chromosome testing was came back clear and we were told it was a 750,000 to 1 chance that our baby got Ring 13, after having the miscarriages before I couldn’t believe it. We were told to try again and that’s what we did and in March 2014 I was pregnant again. I took the aspirin and made it to 12 weeks, then 20, then 30 but everyday I expected something to go wrong. I was booked in for a c-section as I had an emergency one with Oscar for the 29th December 2014. My official due date was the 3rd of January which would of been a year to the day since I was on delivery suite having the baby before. My pregnancy, other than me constantly worrying was plain sailing and that was all down to the aspirin. Archie was born on the 29th December 2014 at 9.36am weighing 7lb 5oz. We are over the moon and our little family is now complete.


We won’t be having any more children as we went through so much to have Archie and are so grateful to have two beautiful healthy boys! I feel like I don’t want to push my luck. Plus I couldn’t go through it all again. Thank God I had Oscar to focus on!
Here our some useful contacts if you are going through what we did.

St Mary’s Hospital London – Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic

The Miscarriage Association

NHS website – facts and advice

I hope you find them useful!

Coming Soon: Our Christmas Baby!

So for the past 19 weeks we have been hiding a secret….. finally after 2 and a half years and three miscarriages we are having our second baby in December. I have wanted to shout it from the roof tops since we got the all clear at our 12 week scan but we held on until our scan yesterday just to make sure and also we have waited until now to tell Oscar the good news. Oscar has wanted a baby brother or sister for ages so he is absolutely over the moon! 


I am so excited as a part of me never thought we would actually get there. I can’t believe how quickly the first half of this pregnancy has gone. A good friend of ours said to me when I was pregnant with Oscar to enjoy every minute of it as next time around it flies by as you already have a little one to run around after and she couldn’t have been more spot on. 


I found the first 12 weeks really hard as nobody but Greg and I knew and I was totally exhausted and feeling so anxious expecting something to go wrong. For the first 12 weeks I took 150mg of aspirin a day plus the progesterone cream and now only take the aspirin until around 34 weeks. I went to my consultant appointment at 16 weeks who listened to baby’s heartbeat and talked me through my options regarding the birth as I had Oscar at 37 weeks as an emergency caesarean and have opted to have a elective caesarean this time and was shocked when she booked me in for the 29th December 2014 there and then. 


We only told our family a couple of weeks ago as it was impossible to hide my growing bump and to be honest my Mum and Mother In Law had already guessed, but everyone is over the moon and just as excited as we are! I already have a little bump and started to feel movements last weekend which makes me feel reassured and I also have a foetal doppler which I took to Turkey with us just to make me feel less anxious after flying.


So now our good news is public, role on the next 20 weeks so we can meet our little boy or girl!